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    • Oh! waking is a bitter nightmare..when you constantly hang around the fringes of my dreams..

    ..my foundation is crumbling and shattered glass is falling all over sidewalks..

    ..i am collapsing and i am collapsing on myself.. i am shards of glass..and i am the person being wounded by the glass..

    ..there is a certain beautiful honesty about depression..

    ..will Candy and honey not ..sweeten the Bitter acrimony of life? ..if truth indeed be a fallacy, then should reality not be a lie?

    Truth is like water. A little of it quenches your thirst Too much of it..and you drown.

    Saturday, March 22, 2003

    reasons why..yes
    1) i think he is cute too
    2) i was the one who noticed him around first
    3) he seems nice
    4) he speaks decent english


    reasons why not..
    4) you think he is cute too...
    3) i haven seen u this nuts over a guy for a long time
    2)..you are one of my closest friends in the world..
    and the number one reason being?

    1) becoz u say you really reallie like him. ( and i know he can make u happy)

    Dawn no no no no.
    No ..impossible... friendship will always come first.
    ( we hardly know this ...person..)

    Since you really like him that much, but ure too shy to do anything about it, i will help you. i promised to. And if it makes you happy, it makes me happy. And if you really want something that much, ill get it for you. i dunno how i am gonna help the two of you all get together, but i will find someway..

    hmm...in case ure wondering what all this is abt..dun even bother asking..haha. its a lil complicated


    besides he is ur type..

    im jus wondering how to help you.
    shood i

    a) buy tickets to a movie, shove it in his face and force him to accept them and then give u the other ticket and tell u to wait at the cinema, and when u see him there..u will either be pleasantly surprised or shocked..

    b) get a bunch of roses, tell him its a dare and tell him to go to some place, meet u there and give them to you?

    c) leave ur number with him?

    d) get his number for you?



    i like option A, but i tink you will either be damnn happy or you'll probably wanna kill me for giving u such a big surprise.
    you might be speechless..you might be awkward? he might back out, somethign might crop up?

    no...not a good idea..not a good idea at all..i need to tink this thru..again


    ...sometimes match making is a tough job.. :P


    dawn fairy on the moon at 3/22/2003
    Tuesday, March 18, 2003

    i think my blog is actually quite crappy. it is unintellectual, unstimulating, and so on..but so what. i am a crappy person and this is my blog so this is the way it shall jolly well be. SO there. and its not like i care wad other pple think. so THERE. full stop.

    sometimes i think i am indeed only looking for trouble. EVen when everything is okay, i will always insist on looking deeper.. beyond the surface, and then thats when the trouble starts.

    How do you think it feels to watch a friend of yours just starts to metamorphose in front of your eyes? Turning into someone you barely know, turning into a stranger? What kind of feelings just hit you? sadness? melacholy? wistfulness?
    And what if ur friend thinks that YOU were the one who has changed? And what if he or she is right? what if the person your friend changes into isnt exactly someone you really like? then what do you do?

    should you..
    a) tell her?
    b) ignore it..
    c) changer her back.

    the answer is
    a) if you tell her she would most likely have a few of these responses.. firstly she might ( actually MOST LIKELY) tell you to to screw urself ( this is only to put it mildly, the rest of the vulgarities that will probabaly come following have been censored), secondly she may tell u that ur being paranoid ( could be true?), and thirdly, she will probably ignore you... which brings us to our second answer...

    b) this is obviously a VERY wrong reaction becoz if there is a problem or a SITUATION, u shldnt jus ignore it, but find a way to counter it. In this day and age, this isnt exactly Q.E.D. HOW do u solve such a problem?

    c)your fren will obviously think you are infringing upon her rights. In this case, she will unfortunately be right abt that. plus the fact what makes you think you can change her back??

    ..so the obvious answer, is that there is no obvious answer. Wow..like that helped alot huh...


    Why is it that i always have to find myself SMILING even though i don't want to. Why is it these days when i talk to some people i have to find myself constantly pasting on a smile, even though i feel like giving a scowl? Don't you find it very difficult to choke out a smile when you jus dun really feel like grinning or smiling at something someone else says? Is it just for politeness sakes?


    why am i smiling at you?
    ..when i don't even agree with anything you say
    ...when nuthing you say makes me happy anyway..
    when i have to force it upon myself.

    then why is it i can't give you a genuine smile?
    its even worse when you smile back at me..
    ..becoz you think i am happy.
    it even worse when you smile back at me..
    ..and you never read between my smile, between lips that were firmly pressed together, stretched sideways with exaggeration, and lips that stretched as easily as rubber..as fake as rubber.
    ..its even worse when you don't actually see how i truly feel behind the smile..
    ..you don't catch my meaning
    ..you don't realise how i actually feel..

    ..damnn my lips feel like latex now.


    ..and there i am still grinning..
    like an idiot.

    ..how is it that outside appearances can so easily contradict inner emotions?

    dawn fairy on the moon at 3/18/2003
    Tuesday, March 11, 2003

    " tell him that i need help. really badly. tell him i am scared. Tell him that it feels as if the floor beneath my feet is crumbling, that the ceiling is about to land on my head. Tell him i feel like an art deco skyscraper, like the chrysler building, but my foundation is crumbling and shattered glass is falling all over the sidewalks, all over my feet. i am walking barefoot on broken glass in a very dark night. i am collapsing and i am collapsing on myself. i am shards of glass and i am the person being wounded by the glass. i am killing myself. i am remembering when my father disappeared. i am remembering when zachary and i broke up in ninth grade. i am remembering being a little child and crying when my mother left me at nusery school. i am crying so hard, gasping for breath, i am incoherent and know it."

    ------Prozac nation ( Elizabeth Wurtzel)

    dawn fairy on the moon at 3/11/2003
    Monday, March 10, 2003

    "we never realise what a good thing we have...until it is gone.."




    The D-DAY


    FInally...after months of agonizing and waiting...the results..



    its not like i wanted to know

    its not like i was eager to get them....

    but it wasnt as if ignoring them were gonna change facts...



    ..the Day itself..


    i went to the office to collect my results
    i couldnt face chin bitch or rather i DIDNT want to face her coz i didnt wanna see the smug and gloating " see-i-told-you-so" expression on her face...
    what if she really turned out to be right? wad if i really didnt make it? i didnt what to give her the satisfaction of seeing my tears.... even though i didnt deserve much. Damn myself for being so playful. Damnn myself for not listening to my parents. Damnn myself for being soo stubborn..

    ..before collecting my results i heard alot of horror stories how so and so did badly and how many Fs there were. ANd even wen i was im the office..i jus had to meet wonder pastor ben..( who obv did well) and this moronic rj science guy who was complaining abt how he ONLY had 3 As. YEs. its ONLY 3 As. And he even had the gall to turn and smile at me.luckily i was too scared abt my own results to even care abt him. ANd ben was going on abt how some pple in our class didnt do well, and how there were all the Es, Ds, Cs, and Bs and hardly As. ANd i was kinda like thinking " had it laio.."


    THe Results

    I am not gona be drama abt this..so all i can see is i didnt do fantastically well..but i didnt do tt badly either. Okay...it may be not bad to some pple..and may not be good to some pple..but i guess i was pretty satisfied with wad i got. so i guess thats all tt counts. Plus i even wen holland v with gladz for a big pig-out-fest..( dunno whether we r comforting ourselves or celebrating also....there wasnt much to celebrate..but i guess no one felt like going home..) My parents r pretty cool with my results so its pretty encouraging.. dey r jus glad i made it..and they didnt even tink i was gona come out with a full cert.

    i guess if i was gona compare myself to alot of other pple i wld feel pretty depressed, but ive learnt that the only way we can be happy or satisfied is not to compare. There will always be pple better then us...and pple worse then us..


    ..and i did prove chin wrong. i made it. i got my cert..and i didnt fail so there...


    so im not exactly happy but im not unhappy.im pretty much satisfied. Jus glad that things were not worse! of coz it cld have been better and it cld have been worse..and im glad ive gotten over and done with it! waiting fer results can be indeed a most stressful process. So now its finally out in the open..i feel alot better. ANd of coz as usualy i have to cope with all the 4 As and 3As students boasting..and the typical " i didnt study at all" or the " i studied the night before ok" thing which is just getting so cliche and familiar that im starting to tink it is kinda hilarious.( more funny then irritating now) Im getting used to it. ANd sometimes i jus wonder if these pple r just trying to convince the rest of the world or r they just trying to convince themselves. ANd if they truly believe that the rest of us are truly convinced..i tink those As r certainly not a reflection of their intellectual level...of coz sometimes i jus pretend to be convinced coz its pretty fun to play along and let these pple believe that i am convinced by them..( hmm..) so that they r convinced that im convinced by them..make sense? haha..ok ok..



    WHEre do i go from here..


    hmm..kinda tired of how everyone keeps comparing results..its drivin me nuts. IF u noe u did well..then u did well. Period. The rest of the world dosent need do know. End of story. And im tired of pple popping up frm God knows wad corners..pple who i havent been in touch with for the last duno how many yrs ..suddenly calling me "dear Pal" and suddenly asking me how i did. Like they really care. They onli wanna noe coz ...

    1) if i did worse..their ego will be boosted and they will feel better abt themselves...
    2)if i did better..they will have someone to bitch abt.. ( haha)
    3) they have too much free time and smses to waste..
    4) their mums asked them to ask...( haha..this is damn sad but it happens)

    haha..okok..so im jus being cynical and u can't blame me...

    okay anywae i hope this will jus end soon and it will soon be jus "another one of those things".. im quite tired of havin to repeat my results over and over again and hear abt other people's results..




    dawn fairy on the moon at 3/10/2003
    Monday, March 03, 2003

    get this quote..


    " every betrayl begins with trust"

    wad say you.. :OP

    dawn fairy on the moon at 3/03/2003